This may not seem to make sense chronologically because I learned a lot of stuff in January and didn't write it down then so now I am remembering things and just writing them down as I go now.
On January 3rd I went with a friend of mine to watch the movie This is 40. I had no idea what it was about but I was told that it was funny. Shortly into the movie I realized I really should have read about the movie..it was not really the type of movie I would usually watch, it was very funny but quite rude, anyways that night I had a dream that my friend that I went to the movies with and her husband (who I've never met) set me up on a blind date & I would up falling in love and marrying him and I got pregnant!!! It was everything I ever dreamed of... then my alarm went off and reality set in. I told my friend later that day about my dream and told her how great it was and I even remembered that the guy in the dream was very good looking.. like better than I ever thought I could get!! my friend texted me back and told me to stop the negative self talk about myself and look long and hard in the mirror and realize that I DO have a lot of good charater traits and I deserve to be with a great guy, I just need to start seeing the good in myself and learn to love myself. It was then that I love being around children because I feel needed by them and they accept me and enjoy being around me. This is something I have struggled with in my self talk that I am a burden to people and it's an inconvenience to be with me, I was always sure there would be a million other things they could be doing or other people they would rather be around. My friend reminded me these are lies and couldn't be farther from the truth. It was after that conversation I realized how messed up I really was and how much believing these lies was affecting me and my outloook on life.
I know that pretty much all women struggle with their self-image and we compare ourselves to the other women around us, but I'm learning the affects it's having on me. I am constantly telling myself I'm ugly and I'll never meet a man that's good looking because I don't deserve a good looking man, and I constantly talk down about myself so much I have been afraid to try new things , go to new places, and move forward in life. I've never really had any dreams in life I wanted to accomplish because I didn't dare think something "outside the box" and know I would never accomplish them. I was at the point where I was so sick of believing these lies and so mad at myself for letting 30 years go by and not living my life to the fullest but letting these lies and my insecurity rule my life.
As I started reading the book So Long Insecurity I have constantly been reminded that I'm not alone in this battle. There are lot's of other women that think the way I think and believe the lies the devil is feeding us. I am learning that the best way to break these lies and thought patterns is to be in the God's word where there is nothing but TRUTH. I am learning to replace these lies by praying scripture, and learning vereses that will help me when situations arise and I feel a lie coming in my mind so I will not believe the lies and I can break free from these thought patterns.
It was freeing to learn how to start overcoming these lies and I've since been surrounding myself with people from my past and present who have made a difference in my life and I have enjoyed hearing their stories of how the Lord is working in their lives. I am learning that the more open I am the more open others will be. Because I am an intravert I have to push myself to go out and be social and I have been the last 2 month's and it makes such a difference to talk to people an be encouraged, I find a difference in my attitude and look forward to the day when my alarm goes off in the morning.
I always laugh at how perfect God's timing is. I came across these verses one day when I needed to be reminded that He is in control and suffered and dies for me so I can be free.
"How often I've called you in love and in tenderness. How often I've sung over you in the night and rejoiced over you in the day. And yet, how often I've heard your private battle with yourself!
Why? Have I waged war against my beloved? Have I instructed you to hurl rebukes and angry insults at My chosen? Am I to wear the uniform of the enemy and take sides against my own?
Never!
I am He who calls you to the glorious kingdom of peace and righteousness. I am the one who gives you new life, whi yanks sin and hatred from you. Would you accuse me of sending you that which I have been freed from?
When you came, holding your heart out to me, I lifted you up into my own heart. I see you as a rare gem fitting perfectly in the Father's resplendent heavenly crown.
I am making a gem out of you. I am creating a new heart in you. And now you war against that very heart. You devalue the jewel of God.
Peace I give you my dear one. Peace to be yourself, and to enjoy being yourself. To speak kindly of yourself is to humble yourself. To hold yourself in esteem is to humble yourself. To be gentle with yourself is to hold Me in esteem because you love me, end the war with yourself. -Romans 8:1, 31-39
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