This may not seem to make sense chronologically because I learned a lot of stuff in January and didn't write it down then so now I am remembering things and just writing them down as I go now.
On January 3rd I went with a friend of mine to watch the movie This is 40. I had no idea what it was about but I was told that it was funny. Shortly into the movie I realized I really should have read about the movie..it was not really the type of movie I would usually watch, it was very funny but quite rude, anyways that night I had a dream that my friend that I went to the movies with and her husband (who I've never met) set me up on a blind date & I would up falling in love and marrying him and I got pregnant!!! It was everything I ever dreamed of... then my alarm went off and reality set in. I told my friend later that day about my dream and told her how great it was and I even remembered that the guy in the dream was very good looking.. like better than I ever thought I could get!! my friend texted me back and told me to stop the negative self talk about myself and look long and hard in the mirror and realize that I DO have a lot of good charater traits and I deserve to be with a great guy, I just need to start seeing the good in myself and learn to love myself. It was then that I love being around children because I feel needed by them and they accept me and enjoy being around me. This is something I have struggled with in my self talk that I am a burden to people and it's an inconvenience to be with me, I was always sure there would be a million other things they could be doing or other people they would rather be around. My friend reminded me these are lies and couldn't be farther from the truth. It was after that conversation I realized how messed up I really was and how much believing these lies was affecting me and my outloook on life.
I know that pretty much all women struggle with their self-image and we compare ourselves to the other women around us, but I'm learning the affects it's having on me. I am constantly telling myself I'm ugly and I'll never meet a man that's good looking because I don't deserve a good looking man, and I constantly talk down about myself so much I have been afraid to try new things , go to new places, and move forward in life. I've never really had any dreams in life I wanted to accomplish because I didn't dare think something "outside the box" and know I would never accomplish them. I was at the point where I was so sick of believing these lies and so mad at myself for letting 30 years go by and not living my life to the fullest but letting these lies and my insecurity rule my life.
As I started reading the book So Long Insecurity I have constantly been reminded that I'm not alone in this battle. There are lot's of other women that think the way I think and believe the lies the devil is feeding us. I am learning that the best way to break these lies and thought patterns is to be in the God's word where there is nothing but TRUTH. I am learning to replace these lies by praying scripture, and learning vereses that will help me when situations arise and I feel a lie coming in my mind so I will not believe the lies and I can break free from these thought patterns.
It was freeing to learn how to start overcoming these lies and I've since been surrounding myself with people from my past and present who have made a difference in my life and I have enjoyed hearing their stories of how the Lord is working in their lives. I am learning that the more open I am the more open others will be. Because I am an intravert I have to push myself to go out and be social and I have been the last 2 month's and it makes such a difference to talk to people an be encouraged, I find a difference in my attitude and look forward to the day when my alarm goes off in the morning.
I always laugh at how perfect God's timing is. I came across these verses one day when I needed to be reminded that He is in control and suffered and dies for me so I can be free.
"How often I've called you in love and in tenderness. How often I've sung over you in the night and rejoiced over you in the day. And yet, how often I've heard your private battle with yourself!
Why? Have I waged war against my beloved? Have I instructed you to hurl rebukes and angry insults at My chosen? Am I to wear the uniform of the enemy and take sides against my own?
Never!
I am He who calls you to the glorious kingdom of peace and righteousness. I am the one who gives you new life, whi yanks sin and hatred from you. Would you accuse me of sending you that which I have been freed from?
When you came, holding your heart out to me, I lifted you up into my own heart. I see you as a rare gem fitting perfectly in the Father's resplendent heavenly crown.
I am making a gem out of you. I am creating a new heart in you. And now you war against that very heart. You devalue the jewel of God.
Peace I give you my dear one. Peace to be yourself, and to enjoy being yourself. To speak kindly of yourself is to humble yourself. To hold yourself in esteem is to humble yourself. To be gentle with yourself is to hold Me in esteem because you love me, end the war with yourself. -Romans 8:1, 31-39
Tuesday 26 February 2013
Sunday 24 February 2013
The First Step
When I finished my chat with kerry that night I decided it was time to make a change permanantly in my life, no matter how hard it would be I knew I needed to change my thoughts about myself and learn to love myself and view myself the way my Creator does.
When I got home the next night I took the first step in finding a "mentor" I emailed a lady who has had a lot of influence in my life over the years, I went into a little detail about what happended on new years eve and I told her I know the Lord has big plans for me this year and I was looking for someone who would come along side me and lvoe me, teach me and be brutally honest with me. I told her I didn't know exactly what I wanted this mentoring thing to look like but I knew I was about to embark on a journey and wanted her to walk along side me. She replied to my email and said she liked the sounds of it so we met for coffee the next day when I went into my more details of what had been happening and what my struggles were.
We discovered we have a lot of the same struggles and most of them are because we worry to much about what other people think about us. She told me she just started reading a book called "So Long Insecurity, you've been a bad friend to us" and asked me if I would go through it with her, I immediately said yes and we proceeded to go pick up the book immediately. Since reading the book I have learned so much about myself and the lies I have been believing for so many years. I am learning to replace the lies I've been believing like I'm not good enough, I'm a failure, no one likes me, I'm ugly, I'll never be able to get married, I'll never amount to anything, I'm not lovable and replace then with truths from scripture.
Here is a letter from my Heavenly Father I found when I first started this journey in January and I can't help but laugh at God's perfect timing:
I speak to you day and night. I love to tell you things, teach you, help you, guide you. I am your Lord and yhour life. Without me you can do nothing. I am speaking to you right now. I am quietly entering your heart and your thoughts right now. You are absorbing My word and My breath of life. You are precious to Me and it is sweet to speak to you this way.
Listen fro me early. When you awaken in the morning, open your eyes and your ears at the same time. As the new day coaxes you awake, allow me to kiss your thoughts with my words. Allow my voice to embrace your mind with mine.
Listen: Because you are min, I give you eternal life, and you shall never lose it or perish throughout the ages-to all eternity you shall never by any means be destroyed. No one can take my love away from you.
Listen; My Father, who has given you to Me, is greater and Mightier than all else; and no one is able to snatch you out of its hand...
Listen: the Father and I are one. I am your Good Shepherd. Yours. I am Yours. I know you. I love you; you are my own. And it is wonderful, my own, that you know and love me.
Listen: I want you to hear My voice at all times. I want to be able to speak to you and know you are listening. My heart holds a heavenly kingdom of wisdom, love and of joy to share with you.
if you will listen your thoughts will radiate and ignite your own to a brightness that will light up the whole world. You will be as a beacon of light on a hill, fixed and shining through every storm even in the blackest, starless night.
Listen, and i will show you whatever is true, whatever is honorable and worthy of reverence, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and loveable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious. I will tell you where virtue and excellence lie, as well as that which is worthy of praise. Think and wiegh what I tell you, then fix your mind on these things.
Living in me, abiding, vitally united to me is what gives you understanding of majestic qualities. My words remain in you and continue to thrive and bubble up in joy and wisdom in your heart.
These are words I want to live by this year. I am committed to stepping out of my comforst zone, trying new things, meeting new people, learning to open up to people, sharing my story and all Jesus is doing in my. I am ready to be used in big ways, Jesus goes before me in all I do and is holding my hand and cheering me on. I will choose to listen to the VOICE OF TRUTH!Collapse this post
When I got home the next night I took the first step in finding a "mentor" I emailed a lady who has had a lot of influence in my life over the years, I went into a little detail about what happended on new years eve and I told her I know the Lord has big plans for me this year and I was looking for someone who would come along side me and lvoe me, teach me and be brutally honest with me. I told her I didn't know exactly what I wanted this mentoring thing to look like but I knew I was about to embark on a journey and wanted her to walk along side me. She replied to my email and said she liked the sounds of it so we met for coffee the next day when I went into my more details of what had been happening and what my struggles were.
We discovered we have a lot of the same struggles and most of them are because we worry to much about what other people think about us. She told me she just started reading a book called "So Long Insecurity, you've been a bad friend to us" and asked me if I would go through it with her, I immediately said yes and we proceeded to go pick up the book immediately. Since reading the book I have learned so much about myself and the lies I have been believing for so many years. I am learning to replace the lies I've been believing like I'm not good enough, I'm a failure, no one likes me, I'm ugly, I'll never be able to get married, I'll never amount to anything, I'm not lovable and replace then with truths from scripture.
Here is a letter from my Heavenly Father I found when I first started this journey in January and I can't help but laugh at God's perfect timing:
I speak to you day and night. I love to tell you things, teach you, help you, guide you. I am your Lord and yhour life. Without me you can do nothing. I am speaking to you right now. I am quietly entering your heart and your thoughts right now. You are absorbing My word and My breath of life. You are precious to Me and it is sweet to speak to you this way.
Listen fro me early. When you awaken in the morning, open your eyes and your ears at the same time. As the new day coaxes you awake, allow me to kiss your thoughts with my words. Allow my voice to embrace your mind with mine.
Listen: Because you are min, I give you eternal life, and you shall never lose it or perish throughout the ages-to all eternity you shall never by any means be destroyed. No one can take my love away from you.
Listen; My Father, who has given you to Me, is greater and Mightier than all else; and no one is able to snatch you out of its hand...
Listen: the Father and I are one. I am your Good Shepherd. Yours. I am Yours. I know you. I love you; you are my own. And it is wonderful, my own, that you know and love me.
Listen: I want you to hear My voice at all times. I want to be able to speak to you and know you are listening. My heart holds a heavenly kingdom of wisdom, love and of joy to share with you.
if you will listen your thoughts will radiate and ignite your own to a brightness that will light up the whole world. You will be as a beacon of light on a hill, fixed and shining through every storm even in the blackest, starless night.
Listen, and i will show you whatever is true, whatever is honorable and worthy of reverence, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and loveable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious. I will tell you where virtue and excellence lie, as well as that which is worthy of praise. Think and wiegh what I tell you, then fix your mind on these things.
Living in me, abiding, vitally united to me is what gives you understanding of majestic qualities. My words remain in you and continue to thrive and bubble up in joy and wisdom in your heart.
These are words I want to live by this year. I am committed to stepping out of my comforst zone, trying new things, meeting new people, learning to open up to people, sharing my story and all Jesus is doing in my. I am ready to be used in big ways, Jesus goes before me in all I do and is holding my hand and cheering me on. I will choose to listen to the VOICE OF TRUTH!Collapse this post
New year, New me
I decided to start "blogging" because I've had a sweet couple month's with my Jesus and I can't seem to catch up in my journal so I figured I can tyoe a lot faster than I can write so here goes my feeble attempt to write down all I've been learning. I wish I has done this at the beginning of January when this journey first began but I didn't, so I will do my best to bring you all up to speed on my year of resting and learning.
This all started on New Years Eve this year. My roommate and I went to my friend Kerry's house to bring in the new year. I didn't think much about going up there as it has always been a second home for me. I thought we'd go up eat some junk food, play some games and catch up on each other's lives. Boy was I wrong!! God had big plans for me that night that would change the way I viewed myself and the way I lived. It all started when Kerry & Laura (my roommate) decided we should make some new years resolutions. I really had no desire to sit and share with them what I wanted to change about myself in the new year, but it seemed I was out voted. Kerry and Laura changed the "rules" of making new years resolutions by saying we could make resolutions for the other person as well. When it got to my turn I didn't feel like sharing what i really wanted to change in myself so I tried to take the easy way out and just said 'I want to get out of debt and learn to live on a budget." I figured that would at least make it look like I wanted to change something about myself and it would get them off my back. But God has placed some incredible friends in my life and Kerry & Laura wouldn't let me get off by just saying that. Kerry (a friends of 19 years) then proceeded to say she wants to see me learn to love myself and view myself the way my Heavenly Father does, and stop the negative self-talk about myself and Laura said she would like to see me find a mentor I can talk to and learn from. I was trying so hard to not cry. I hate showing emotion in front of people and I didn't want Kerry and Laura to know they hit a very sensitive area in my life. The rest of the night was great once we made our new years resolutions we prayed for each other and again I was fighting the tears. Kerry played the piano while Laura and I picked out songs we wanted to sing to our Lord. We kept singing right into the new year it was a great time of reflection and connecting with Jesus. At around 2:00am Laura went to bed so Kerry and I went down to her room and we had a talk that changed my outlook on life.
Kerry shared with me all the Lord has been teaching her about sharing her story and proclaiming the good news of the Lord with all the people she comes into contact with. She shared with me the lies she had been believing and how she has been finding freedom from the lies the devil has been feeding her. She challenged me to talk to my Jesus the way I would talk to any of my friends and tell Him my hurts and struggles and all my feelings. She also challenged me to start letting the walls I've built up around me to come down and not be afriad to ask questions to people or share my feeling with people in my life because that's how we learn, when we become vulnerable and willing to share our hurts.
This all started on New Years Eve this year. My roommate and I went to my friend Kerry's house to bring in the new year. I didn't think much about going up there as it has always been a second home for me. I thought we'd go up eat some junk food, play some games and catch up on each other's lives. Boy was I wrong!! God had big plans for me that night that would change the way I viewed myself and the way I lived. It all started when Kerry & Laura (my roommate) decided we should make some new years resolutions. I really had no desire to sit and share with them what I wanted to change about myself in the new year, but it seemed I was out voted. Kerry and Laura changed the "rules" of making new years resolutions by saying we could make resolutions for the other person as well. When it got to my turn I didn't feel like sharing what i really wanted to change in myself so I tried to take the easy way out and just said 'I want to get out of debt and learn to live on a budget." I figured that would at least make it look like I wanted to change something about myself and it would get them off my back. But God has placed some incredible friends in my life and Kerry & Laura wouldn't let me get off by just saying that. Kerry (a friends of 19 years) then proceeded to say she wants to see me learn to love myself and view myself the way my Heavenly Father does, and stop the negative self-talk about myself and Laura said she would like to see me find a mentor I can talk to and learn from. I was trying so hard to not cry. I hate showing emotion in front of people and I didn't want Kerry and Laura to know they hit a very sensitive area in my life. The rest of the night was great once we made our new years resolutions we prayed for each other and again I was fighting the tears. Kerry played the piano while Laura and I picked out songs we wanted to sing to our Lord. We kept singing right into the new year it was a great time of reflection and connecting with Jesus. At around 2:00am Laura went to bed so Kerry and I went down to her room and we had a talk that changed my outlook on life.
Kerry shared with me all the Lord has been teaching her about sharing her story and proclaiming the good news of the Lord with all the people she comes into contact with. She shared with me the lies she had been believing and how she has been finding freedom from the lies the devil has been feeding her. She challenged me to talk to my Jesus the way I would talk to any of my friends and tell Him my hurts and struggles and all my feelings. She also challenged me to start letting the walls I've built up around me to come down and not be afriad to ask questions to people or share my feeling with people in my life because that's how we learn, when we become vulnerable and willing to share our hurts.
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